Suicide

2 Lovers plan to suicide.

Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes & return back saying love is blind.

Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.

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A gorgeous girl walks up 2 a a professor's cabin and says I will do anything 2 pass in the exam.
Professor: anything ! ?

Girl: ya
Prof: open your books and study.

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May God increase ur happiness like prices of petrol,

And decrease sorrows like clothes of Bipasha Basu

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Teacher: (1)There is a frog, (2)Ship is sinking, (3)potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then, what is my age?
STUDENT: 32 yrs.

Teacher: How do you know?
STUDENT: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

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Modern Panchtantra Story

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

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Moral :If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

SOME LOGICIAL THOUGHTS and STATEMENTS

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
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To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
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The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
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In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
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All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
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Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
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Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
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If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
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You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
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Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
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42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
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As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
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He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
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If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late.
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Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
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When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
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If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
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Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
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You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
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The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
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After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
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If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
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Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
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Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
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There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
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An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
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Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
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Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
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When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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Well done is better than well said .
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Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
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Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
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Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
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The Fish and the Turtle

Once upon a time there was a fish. And just because it was a fish, it had lived all its life in the water and knew nothing whatever about anything else but water. And one day as it swam about in the lake where all its days had been spent, it happened to meet a turtle of its acquaintance who had just come back from a little excursion on the land.

"Good day, Mr. Turtle!" said the fish. "I have not seen you for a long time. Where have you been?"
"Oh", said the turtle, "I have just been for a trip on dry land."

"On dry land!" exclaimed the fish.
"What do you mean by on dry land? There is no dry land. I had never seen such a thing. Dry land is nothing."
"Well," said the turtle good-naturedly. "If you want to think so, of course you may; there is no one who can hinder you. But that's where I've been, all the same."

"Oh, come," said the fish. "Try to talk sense. Just tell me now what is this land of yours like? Is it all wet?"
"No, it is not wet," said the turtle. "Is it nice and fresh and cool?" asked the fish.
"No, it is not nice and fresh and cool," the trutle replied.
"Is it clear so that light can come through it?"
"No, it is not clear. Light cannot come through it."
"Is it soft and yielding, so that I can move my fins about in it and push my nose through it?"
"No, it is not soft and yielding. You could not swim in it."
"Does it move or flow in streams?"
"No, it neither moves nor flows in streams."
"Does it ever rise up into waves then, with white foams in them?" asked the fish, impatient at this string of Noes.
"No!" replied the turtle, truthfully. "It never rises up into waves that I have seen."

"There now," exclaimed the fish triumphantly. "Didn't I tell you that this land of yours was just nothing? I have just asked, and you have answered me that it is neither wet nor cool, not clear nor soft and that it does not flow in streams nor rise up into waves. And if it isn't a single one of these things what else is it but nothing? Don't tell me."

"Well, well", said the turtle, "If you are determined to think that dry land is nothing, I suppose you must just go on thinking so. But any one who knows what is water and what is land would say you were just a silly fish, for you think that anything you have never known is nothing just because you have never known it."

And with that the turtle turned away and, leaving the fish behind in its little pond of water, set out on another excursion over the dry land that was nothing
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Lakh chaha

Nazar to mila shake,
Par zuban ko hila na shake,

Lakh chaha hamne,
Fir bhi ushko bhula na shake.....

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TUTE HUYE MEHKHANO ME JAAM NAHI AATA,
DIL KE MARIJ KO AARAM NAHI AATA,

E DIL TODKE JANE WALE? JARA YEH TO SHOCH? KI,
TUTA HUAA DIL KISHI KE KAAM NAHI AATA.......

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Pyaar kya hota hai hum nahi jaante,
Zindagi ko hum apni nahi maante,

Gham itne mile ki ehsaas nahi hota,
Koi hume Pyaar kare to vishwas nahi hota...

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Zindagi hai nadaan isliye chup hu,
Dard hi dard hai subah shaam isliye chup hu,

Keh to du zamane se dastaan apni,
Lekin usme ayega tera naam isliye chup hu.

God's IVR

Over the past several years, we have all learned to live with IVRS - "Inter-active Voice Response System" as a necessary part of modern life. I was just wondering what would happen if God decides to go hi-tech and installs voicemail? I gave it a lot of thought and came up with various scenarios:

Let us imagine a scenario. You dialed God's number.


"Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:

If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others, dial 0."


So, lets say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for All other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni."


Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this:

"We are sorry, all Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners. However, your prayer is important to us and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be with you soon."


Or, it could even go this way when you start praying:

"If you know your God's extension, dial it now...."

Or, you might hear this:


"If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Press 3.
To confess your sins, press 4.
To ask for favors, Press 5."


Or, you might even hear this:

"You have reached Lord Krishna's extension.. I am going to be away to conduct a special yuddha to save the humanity and will be away until the year 2012. If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankara at GB +44 779000020000 Call. If you want to speak to someone else, for other gods' directory, Press 6 now."


Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end of your life cycle:

"If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort, please provide your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof of your eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL and ask for General Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help you."


Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:

"If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL."


For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get a response like this:

"Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow..."


Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day:

"This Main Office of Heaven is closed for DIWALI holidays. If this is an emergency, you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing 6000-31,000."


So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers And IVR systems - because if he does, we are in BIG trouble!